How To Procrastinate Like A Pro

You realize you might be a good procrastinator now, but you could be even better. I, friends, will show you the way.

First off, don’t read the assignment sheet. If anything, take a glance, or quick skim, but don’t absorb any information. That way when you go to write your assignment in the few remaining wee hours of the morning, you’ll feel especially stressed and panicked, and really, it’s the only way you’ll know you’ll get it done.

Secondly only take mental notes, so you can stay extra unprepared. This is good. Then you have an excuse to text all your classmates at terrible times of the night, trying to figure out what is going on. If they didn’t like you before, I’m sure they’ll love you after this!

Third, don’t write any reminders about when the due date is, you don’t want to know, it’ll only ruin your week and all those fun plans you had.

Should you bother getting any work or notes prepared ahead of time like the keener you aren’t? No, this only adds to the stress and fun later when panicked. Also, now you don’t need to worry about losing those notes or making time to make them in the first place. You’re welcome.

Now all you need to do is stay occupied until the night before the assignment is due. This can virtually include anything and everything. Yes, anything. Want to go snowboarding? Do it. Feel like having an eating contest and making yourself sick? You’ve got time! Have you been meaning to getting around to having a t.v. marathon? Now is the PERFECT opportunity for it. Especially the day before the night the assignment is due, so you’ll tired and have to power through the sleep deprivation. This is an excellent reason for you to also take up the habit of drinking coffee. Or Energy drinks. Or coffee flavoured energy drinks. In this step, anything goes. You can do anything, be lazy or have a social life. The skies’ the limit!

Now, the weekend before it’s due, your classmates are starting to worry! But not you! 😉 You’re calm and under control, you’ve got all weekend and frankly, didn’t remember at all until now. Keep on keeping on.

As the weekend goes on, find other things to do to put your assignment off. Read you library book – It’s due in two weeks! Watch that movie on t.v., you’ve only seen it like 8.79 times but you still don’t know all the lines by heart! Get down to business, common!

It is now Sunday, and you’ve managed to get through the day, slacking off while the stress rises, knots build in your chest and the panic is making it hard for you to focus on anything and is making it harder and harder for you to breathe.  Now you know it’s time to get started. After supper though of course, you can’t work on an empty stomach!

Also, wait until after your favourite Sunday night soap because you still haven’t gotten around to obtaining the privileges of the PVR yet. It could make procrastinating harder if everything is pre-recorded for you to watch later when you actually have nothing going on in your life.

Now you’re ready to write! It’s definitely after 9 pm and your eyes are getting droopy. You’ve already done your typical Facebook and Twitter scans for the evening, but another five or six times couldn’t hurt though right?

While opening your blank Word document, it may occur to you that you don’t know what to write about. It’s time to go back and actually read the assignment. Actually see what your teacher has been talking about for the past 3 weeks. This is when you realize you need more information, and back to Facebook and Twitter you go, messaging everyone, because you don’t know who is still awake at this hour!

Finally some heaven-sent person has responded to you and now you’re back in business, time to start researching. Time to get distracted by Google, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, StumbleUpon, Facebook again, research a little more, go see if anyone is tweeting you, text that ‘special someone’ and check the time.

Oh no! You have to write pages about how thoroughly you know this topic and you know close to nothing and now it is nearly 12 am. It’s time to begin staring at the page, hoping your assignment will write itself. It won’t, but how will you know if you don’t try?

Since you have discovered no matter how hard you try, staring does nothing but dry out your eyes, it’s now time to take a quick 2-hour nap because you are exhausted or get down to business.

Assuming you get down to business, or get to it after napping, now it’s about 2 am at least and it’s time to get writing! You finally have enough motivation to work! You’re welcome, I know. Now you write anywhere from 20 minutes to the next 3 hours and just pump out the gold. After you’ve finished your definite masterpiece, it’s time to print.

Please note this is what your printer lives for. It is THE opportune time to jam, run out of ink, paper or just try to explode. But usually the printer will realize that this is a bad time for printing dramas and therefore will *usually* cooperate.

OH BOY-O! You sir or madame have just printed your assignment! Apart from getting up in the morning and handing it in you are now done. Give yourself a pat on the back, and get some rest while you still can! Be prepared for the long crappy day ahead since the chances of you running late, the dog eating your homework, forgetting your lunch, and falling asleep in class are way likely. As long as you remember to put on clothes, eat and maybe brush your teeth, you still can make it through your day relatively unscathed!

Now that you know how to procrastinate like a pro, put your new-found skills to the test and put off using them!

*please note this can also be a guide for everything you should not do. Especially because it shows in your work, and your teacher probably won’t like it as much if you put legitimate time and effort into the assignment*